A concept called free time

Adjusting to life without a million assignments due and hundreds of pages to read has proven somewhat difficult. I like to be productive, and I have had a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that cleaning the apartment, doing laundry, and making dinner is "being productive." For so long those things were simply seen as tasks that were necessitites. And they still are necessary, however I am having to adjust my mindset that these necessary tasks also count as "doing something today." There are days when I think "man I am just really lazy" because I want to take a nap or just sit and watch musicals all day. Then I realize just how extremely tired I still am from being a full-time student and working sometimes up to 3 jobs for the last 8 years of my life. I don't think I will ever re-gain all the sleep I lost over the last 8 years, but I am slowly allowing it to be ok to rest. I do have to be careful because I very easily lose track of time and there have been many days where I don't really know what I was doing for the past 2 hours. All in all, I am making the transition. I have also started crafting again, which has been super fun! Job hunting has to be one of the most frustrating things I have ever done.

Finished

I. am. done. with. grad. school.

I now have a Master's of Arts in Music with an emphasis in Music Therapy (thats a mouthful) AND a Master's of Science in Counseling & Development with an emphasis in community counseling. I am very proud of my accomplishment. It was a long road.

I passed my oral exams and turned in all my papers and I'm done. Now all I have to do is walk across the stage in December! I am sort of on holding right now because due to weird graduation rules (which is a whole different rant) I cannot "officially" graduate until December. Which means I cannot take the National Counselor Exam for my counseling licensure until October and I cannot be licensed until after my transcript has the words "degree conferred." Which leaves me teaching piano lessons and waiting. Piano lessons is not the worst job, in fact most days I enjoy it, I just don't enjoy the driving. I am searching for jobs and applying for a few, but the really good ones I am not qualified for because I "officially" do not have my masters degrees. This job hunting can be pretty frustrating. But as my husband pointed out to me this morning while he left for work and I slept in for a few more hours, maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe God is telling me just rest, I deserve it.

Now to adjust my mindframe to allow me to rest.

This past weekend I would think "ok what is due this week? what do I need to read or study for?" and then I would realize that I don't have any homework due or reading assignments or tests to study for to which I would then ask Josh....what do I do?? And of course his response was "nothing" or "relax." I think I will accept that challenge.

Almost done!

I AM ALMOST DONE WITH GRAD SCHOOL! It is still a very surreal feeling right now. My professional paper has been submitted. I have one final exam, a couple counseling sessions left, and my oral exams till I am done! Wow what a crazy crazy ride this has been! And in an attempt to not sound super conceited, but I must say that I am so proud of myself! In 3 years I provided 400 hours of counseling services, got married, moved an hour away from school, wrote a 60 page professional paper, and earned 2 master's degrees! YAY ME!

Ok enough of that.

I am job searching, which is extremely scary. It is definately a test of faith to trust that God will open the doors and provide opportunities for me. My first MT jobs were, well, awful, and I don't want to repeat those experiences. I've applied a few places, we'll see what happens from there. I am also not quite sure how I am going to be handling the change in 2 weeks. I went straight out of high school into college and then immediately into grad school. I have always worked at least part time and gone to school. I will have to learn how to redefine myself as something other than super busy student. This should be interesting, but I am definately ready for the change! First thing on my agenda is to sleep.

Here is my schedule for next thursday:
9:45-11:45 oral exams
12:00 start drinking

Graduate school is crazy

So I have been working pretty non-stop on this professional paper. And I AM ALMOST DONE! All I have left is my discussion section and a few corrections here and there! WHOOHOOO! I am struggling a little to get my counseling hours for the summer semester, mostly because its summer and people take vacations or go to the pool and forget about therapy. I do get to count all my music therapy hours, which right now isn't a whole lot, but helps to the grand total. I am incorporating music into my counseling sessions and it is amazing. The first time I did this in session, I cried with my client, which in turn made me realize that I had some unfinished business to attend to.

I knew in my mind that this counseling journey was hard on me. I knew it was difficult for me to be only "verbal" in a therapy session. I also knew in my mind that music is definitely my language. Music is a passion and I know that it is extremely powerful. What I didn't know was the extent to which music was such an integral part of my life...of my core. In my journey to become a better counselor, I realized how much I conceptualized people and life musically. I realized that music was not something that I "do" as a pass-time or as a hobby (like some of my counseling professors believe), it is a part of who I am, it is something that I need, like air to breath. At times I feel like I had to cut-off a part of my essence in order to get through the counseling program. As a result, I lost some of my confidence in myself as a music-therapist. My self-confidence and self-esteem are things that I continually work at, but I remember being confident in myself as a music-therapist a while ago. I was terrified to bring in music to my counseling session, because I was no longer confident in myself in that mode of therapy. That session was phenomenal, the music was exactly what my client needed. I cried because for the first time, in a very long time, I felt like a music therapist again. I felt a little more confident. I realized (with the help of professors and personal counseling) that I need to find my voice again; I need to find my music again.

There were also good outcomes to forcing myself to stop using music therapy. I strengthened my verbal counseling skills. I learned A LOT about myself and really forced myself to look at my areas of weakness and work on them. I also was able to heal up some of the trauma that led me to my strong musical connection in the first place. In a way I was able to pull out a small section of myself and do some hard core self improvements. Now I am working on incorporating it all together. I am finding out what being a counselor and music therapist means and looks like for me. It’s quite exciting!

Countdown till I'm done with grad school 6 weeks! WOOHOOO!

Heartache

Today my heart is aching. My heart aches for music therapy, my heart aches for hospice work. I’m hitting my professional paper pretty hard, as I have 7 weeks to get it finished. The more engrossed I become in hospice literature the more I desire to work there. I have always desired to work in hospice, since I did a practicum there in 2007. But as I have gone down the professional paper road, the desire has become stronger and stronger. Will I never be able to work in hospice? I know that God will grant us the desires of our heart... I know that God will provide what is best for me at His chosen time. But I am human and I am weak, and some days I weep from the heartache. Some days I become angry that I cannot work in a field that I love so much. I know that God has great plans for me, I know that He teaches and strengthens through our suffering and trials. I also know that I am so extremely blessed. I have an absolutely AMAZING husband who loves me and cares for me unconditionally. I have amazing friends and family that support me and love me. Both my husband and I are in good health, he has a great job, we have money to pay for an apartment, bills, food, cars, and my graduate school. Please pray for me friends, that I can focus my blessings, that I will continue to have strength and trust in the God and His plan for me even on days like this.